Things I Just Have To Share

Sometimes, I ponder why I am the way I am, & what events in life have led me to where I am. I know that every experience molds you into the person you are, good, bad, happy, or sad. I know that without life happening people would not be who they are. I would like to think this is true of everyone, not just those of us who are aware that this is the case.... I am not a person who judges other people, for whatever reason people do that, I missed that life lesson- where it is okay for you to say how different you would live the life of someone else. Quite frankly, some days I am doing the best I know how just to live my own life how I do, I don't have time to play that "if it were me" game that so many other people seem to play so well. I also have trouble following the word of others when it comes to people, it is one of my biggest pet peeves that people judge others by what has been said about them- too many people have tried to ruin my reputation before others have had the chance to get to know me for me to ever look at one view & run with it as far as that goes. I personally am pretty honest, I am a damn good me, & I am pretty open about my life, no matter who it is I am talking to.
  Just ask my children, they will tell you, if there is anything about mom you want to know, ask her- I don't lie to them. My theory on that is, I never wanted my kids to loose faith in me because they thought I lied to them about little things. Now, that said, I didn't totally ruin their childhoods, there was some discretion when it came to age appropriate subjects- and I was always careful when it came to Santa, Easter Bunny, & The Tooth Fairy- so even then I wasn't lying about them, I just chose my words carefully.
  I have very few people that I whole heartedly trust, less than a handful, but those few I would trust with everything. I have earned their respect, loyalty, & they are the few people in my life that without a second thought, I would take their word on important matters. I feel very fortunate to have these people, & respect that they have only my best interests at heart. Very few people have those in life sadly.
  Those few, I really am grateful for & would lay down my life for just as quickly & without question as I would for my children. That has been one of the hardest lessons in life I have had to learn so far, but I do think I am finally getting it- Not everyone I meet or have even known for a very long time deserves that loyalty from me. Not everyone is going to have my back like I would have theirs. Not everyone has my or my families best interests as their motive.
  Anyway, this lesson, has been painful, & has really gotten me thinking about things lately. Here are the questions, & what I think are the best answers I have come up with-

Q. Why aren't people more honest?

A. Because they either have things to hide themselves that putting the focus on you, helps hide or mask their own insecurities or things they aren't proud of. They have to make you look worse, so that they don't look as bad as they are. Because jealousy is a very nasty thing, & for whatever reason you have things they either want or are jealous of you having. Because they are scared that others won't like or understand the choices they have made & maybe they don't even understand themselves.

Q. Why do people want to bring you down?

A. Misery loves company, & see above.

Q. Why do I still even care & try?

A. Because that is who I am. I can't change just because people let me down, I am who I am, that is part of who I am, the lessons I have learned are what have made me who I am, and I am pretty proud of me. I think it is unrealistic for me to try to be someone else, sometimes it is pretty hard to be me, sometimes I wish I weren't me, but not too often really- I am pretty impressed that I am still a caring, loving, & honest person considering what I have seen of people who aren't those things- But I am also too proud of how I am, who I am to be something I am not.
I am not going to ever be a person who lies about others, who uses others for my own personal gain, who has to put others down to make myself feel better about being who I am. I genuinely care about people, even those who wrong me, I can't change that. I accept that I am super sensitive to my own criticism, & that I think makes me even better because no one is harder on me than me. I accept that I make mistakes, & I hope that by making mistakes I learn what not to do again. I am the first to admit that I have much improvements to make, but I am always willing to be better. I think one of the best things about me, is that I can say I am sorry, I will work on improving, & I don't really have many regrets about what I have done because I have learned from all I have lived thru.......
This was going to be something of a complaint post, about many things, but my time is up & there will be time for that later......
Hope you all don't need therapy after reading this, although I should add that my therapist did finally call me back, & she has been ill, not in therapy from counseling me..... lol... Your thoughts are welcome on the above as always, & I hope I haven't bored you all to tears!!!! Until next time I run away from life, when I lock myself away from the kids & can actually form whole sentences......ahhhhh.........
 

Blocked

So, my therapist, (who is back again) told me I need to write some letters to my family, since I have some things I have been holding back & that I feel I need to share with them even though it is not always easy to say some things to them..... Generally if I try, I can focus on a topic, sit down, write down how I am feeling & be done with it..
 Not happening with the current assignment, & I am not sure why- I am pretty clear in my head about what needs to be said, I know what I want them to take away from the letters, I know what I wish the out come of them will be. For some reason, this time writing these letters has me stumped.... I am going to sit down again today & really try hard to get the letters done. More on this later.... sigh..